Find both sources and destination for hand-me-down clothes. Boxes by months in ages – you get everything from a kid 6 months older than yours, and pass it on to a kid a little younger. They outgrow stuff in about 20 minutes, and it’s gonna be stained and torn, so let it start out that way.

Your wife will feel like she’s failed for no good reason, even if she’s basically perfect. Good luck with that.

The first few months is living hell. You will lose your mind. You will forget to brush your teeth. Your wife will just sit and be a milk factory and be sad and unsatisfied, including with you … Fortunately, it ends.

You will learn to give up on things that aren’t important. Eventually, your wife will, too.

It’s hard work. Like – all you have to do is show up and keep on top of things … and that’s really hard. And keep your job. And get yelled at once and a while.

1. Ultimately, everything works out.

2. No one knew how to do this – you learn from trail and error.

People think because you’re a man, you’re an idiot. Old ladies you don’t know will say “Oh, let me take her” or “Where is the mother – is she alright?” Expect it.

People will say “Wow – your kid is the most amazing beautiful kid ever” and you don’t get that they are kind of mocking you, because you think that’s true.

They interrupt when you’re (finally) going to have sex. I think it’s evolution. Same with siblings: they want to kill the other one, until they figure out they can gang up on you.

The second kid will be nothing like the first.

Sometimes they want one parent more than the other – you can’t feel too good or too bad about that.

I didn’t know the kid would be funny. We’re laughing all the time – making each other laugh. That part’s great.

Fluids and their smells are just everywhere. You’ll get used to them – which isn’t necessarily good.

People who have never been parents just don’t get it. If your baby hasn’t come yet – you don’t get it. There is no way you could.

You want to take 10,000 photographs. I think I did. The moments are that precious – but you miss them when you’re taking pictures. People will send you pics. You can be there – not just be family cameraman.

Do the vaccines. Keep your wife off mom Facebook. Don’t let her get in a circle of crazy “safety moms” – it’s hell for you, and will mess up your kids. I’ve seen it happen. Bad.

I think you learn what’s important. Some things we thought were important just aren’t. Others – like getting enough sleep, hitting nap times, etc … they are really really important.

You will be amazed at how much you can handle. Try not to wreck your car.

It’s great – but not how I thought it would be great. And it’s boring – but you don’t care.

We talk about poop, chart it – it’s a big part of it. Now, I feel naked if I don’t have a clean diaper in a cargo pocket.

Even when you don’t buy a lot of stuff you spend a lot of money. Diapers, etc.

The baby is studying us all the time … looking for weaknesses. It’s very clever.

You can read the pages of the book in any order. You can say anything.

You want to be perfect – but you can’t. Don’t judge. And F*&$ anyone who judges you – anyone!

The first time your baby catches a cold, you think you are going to die. They’re helpless – it’s terrifying.

Sometimes, this baby is going to cry … and there is nothing you can do, but hold it, and be there and wait. You’re powerless – and you have to be there.

There is so much to worry about that you get tired of worrying, and develop this sort of faith and acceptance. Being on same page with spouse is key.

Marriage as team. Even if marriage dies, you are still team with kid – for rest of life. So work together. And pray she’s reasonable once and a while.

People would say “Exhaustion” and “Sleep Deprivation” and I didn’t know what that was. I do now.

If you have mother-in-law problems now, it’s gonna get worse. Make sure your wife backs you up against your mother-in-law. They can try to close you out and plant crazy stuff in your wife’s head. Say “You had your kids – this is my kid.” It can be brutal.