StrongStart™ Fundamentals: Boundaries
StrongStart™ Fundamentals: Setting Boundaries
We all live with boundaries. Waiting in line at the grocery store, stopping at red lights, respecting personal space in an elevator. These are habits of thought and perception that we've internalized. At some point, they had to be learned.
For your child, boundaries:
Simplify their world
Create security and predictability
Provide freedom within safe limits
Build the foundation for self-management
Kids with healthy boundaries develop stronger social skills, better executive function, and the ability to more confidently navigate relationships. Working on boundaries early will pay dividends for the rest of their lives.
Boundaries Are Choices Presented as Facts
Instead of thinking of boundaries as a way to control your child’s behavior ("Stop throwing your food!"), think of them as framing how the world works and creating choices ("Food stays on the table or on your plate").
Every choice has natural consequences:
If they choose to throw food, mealtime ends
If they choose to hit, the toy is put away
If they choose to stay seated at the table, they can continue eating
This approach transforms boundaries from a power struggle into a form of respect—you respect your child enough to let them choose, and they learn to navigate their world with growing confidence.
How Children Learn Boundaries
Learning boundaries is essentially your baby practicing the scientific method: "I have an idea. I test it out in my environment, and I see what happens."
Testing boundaries is a key part of learning them. Your child will deploy an impressive arsenal of testing strategies: begging, negotiating, tantrums, even sneaking back for another try. Their creativity will amaze you.
When they employ these tactics to test boundaries they are not defying you. They’re figuring out how their world works.
Your Boundary Checklist
Identify the choice — See things from your child's perspective and identify what the choice actually is
Communicate the boundary – Is there a clear consequence? Can it be carried out? Can you present it in positive language? If there’s no choice, there’s no boundary.
Explain it– slowly and simply, at eye level, as a choice
Show you're paying attention, serve and respond
Keep your word — Follow through with consequences
Be prepared for a) push back b) testing and c) re-testing — how firm through repeated challenges
Maintain consistency — Ensure all caregivers support the same boundaries
Present boundaries with confidence—as simple facts of life. Your tone should communicate: "This is simply how things work." Not angry, not apologetic—just clear and confident.
Boundaries Build Trust
Boundaries connect to the heavy stuff: trust and respect. Trust creates Trust. Respect begets Respect.
As you learn to set boundaries for your child, you’ll see that the child who makes their own choices will tend to consider the consequences (using information, sometimes provided by you), and will act more responsibly, because they are learning how their choices have consequences. (and benefits!) Setting boundaries is about clarifying choices for the child, so they can get good at making their own decisions.
Learn more about boundaries at StrongStart Practice:
